The other side of the coin

My last post I talked about what it can be like releasing older children and the feelings it uncovers.

Fortunately or unfortunately I remember what it was like to be newly married and have a baby soon after.

I remember being highly insulted that my mother in law thought I couldn't handle raising my daughter without her constant advice.

I still remember her mocking me when I said i was not going to give my baby any sugar.

The first time they came to see the baby she promptly walked to the crib and took off her booties and told me they were too tight.

They weren't, and that was very disrespectful to treat me that way.

But as i was a new daughter in law, she also was a new Mother in law..

We just don't practice for these new roles.

We are driving blind when we head into these transitions.

My mom was more gentle , so she was helpful.

But I still was irked many times when my parents freely told me what I should do.

But though I was young , 22 to be exact ,I was a competent adult.

Something goes on with parents and kids for decades.

If a parent tells you a bit of advice,

you tend to feel insulted as if they are questioning your intelligence.

On the other hand, another older person may offer the same advice

and it's easy to accept from them.

I'm not saying unasked for advice is correct..

it's just is easier to take from someone who you have no life investment in.

Someone you don't even care what their opinion is of you.

I can still remember my grandparents telling my dad how to prune his tree,

later on after they left I heard my dad say something like:

"'Im 30 years old don't they think I know how to prune a tree?"

For some reason our parents telling us things when we are adults,

makes us feel like they are thinking we are incompetent.

Like we are too dumb to figure this out for ourselves.

Of course, I know now that's not what we're thinking.

As a parent I find myself offering advice all too often.

Doing the very same thing that irked me.

It's like a force of habit.

I mentally have to chasten myself and say something like this ,

" You did it again, you hated that, you know darn well that they are grown up,

let them do things their way unless they ask for your advice."

My intentions aren't bad but misguided,

I don't want to let go of a role I have grown to feel comfortable with.

But it's time to move on, affirm and encourage them without being parental, somehow.

This is not easy and I'm not saying I'm doing great with it ,

but with practice perhaps things will get smoother.

You have to bite your tongue, and stop typing the emails, or texting and worrying.

If I had bit my tongue all the times I gave unasked for advice,

i do not believe I would have even half a tongue left.

If my value as a parent or a Mom is all I am,

then I am going to have a difficult time transitioning.

If I remember God gives me value as a person created in His image ,

I will have an easier time accepting my kids independence from me.

Not only that ,I can begin to enjoy the new adventure God has for me .

Before I started having kids I was a poet, a composer and a writer.

I spent hours playing my guitar.

But when you have babies, as you know, there is not much time left for you.

You put your needs aside to sacrifice for your child's needs.

As your kids get older you'd think you 'd have more time for yourself ,

but you still are the 24/7 parent.

That sense of responsibility ,crucial to being a good parent,

never lets you really relax emotionally for years.

In fact your kids are still your kids forever.

But the roles change...that's another blog.

I think it will get easier letting go,

I hope my kids can continue to give me grace as I am new at this.

It was hard to deal with being a new Mom with well meaning parents undermining my parenting skills.

And it seems equally hard being that parent

and trusting that you have raised your child right.

It all boils down to TRUST and releasing our kids to God.

My dependency on God has gone deeper..and needs to continue to go deeper.

Now it's time for me to discover gifts that have been hidden and enjoy more relaxing times with my mate.

I still have a teen at home so my work is not done yet.

I look forward to the last few years I have with him.

I'm going to work on my friendships that I didn't have much time to cultivate before.

Join or begin a women's bible study with gals that are going through similar transitions.

I'll still be here if my older kids want to chat or visit..

I hope to cultivate more of a friendship role with them if possible.

But God has taken care of them thus far and I know He

will continue to take care of them long after I'm gone.

Well, as usual, I rambled on and on..if you made it this far.

How are you handling this part of life?